it's 4.46 and i have no idea why am i still not asleep. it's strange. pass week has been so hectic, with the last min rushing of fyp, studying for UTs...honestly, i'm not sure how i got through that week. it offically ended on wednesday. since then, i've been slacking and catching up with some quality time with my bed. but of all days to not be able to sleep, it has to be today. i've school and its a new week, new problems to overcome and think about.
whats really weird is i'm tangled up in my own thoughts. thinking about all sort of things. i don't even know where to start...fyp is finally over. or rather almost over...seeing that there's still a presentation to go through before it starts all over again. that entire week was a killer. burning mid-night oil every single day and listen to that morning bird make noise...confirm fucked up. so many problems and so much last min qiong-ing. i'm just glad that we did a pretty good job (i think). it's really funny actually. when i was asigned my fyp team, i was thinking...siao liao confirm chui. but through-out the 12 weeks, i've come to realise stuff. i start to learn about each member in my team. what their like, their pattern...especially during the last week. it's like an eye opener. certain things caught me by surprise...shall not eleborate too much about think yea? afterall, it's already over...
what else? i had a drinking session with 2 bros and 1 random last sunday. i lied and i'm sorry. i'm just glad you understand. i wasn't even sure what i wanted to get out of that drinking sesson. maybe i just wanted alocohol? maybe i wanted to have a mini celebration for myself...pat myself on the back for a job well done? maybe i was concerned about him...seemed like he was under more stress then me. i have no idea. one think is for sure, i lied and i hate myself for it. ended up going to school feeling like shit. talk about doing something stupid yea?
i find myself being concerned about the people i hold dearly...sometimes i think i worry too much. everyone has their own list of problems to be stressed about right? why am i making myself so concerned with other people's problems? the weirdest think is that i can't help it. thats the most weirdest...doesn't make sense at all. i really got hao ren dao like that ma? cfm wtf...
i'm so proud of you. your a good person even with that temper of yours...you did what no one thought you could do. so you shouldn't let anyone look down on you yea? guess it isn't easy for you as well...with the barrier and some other external factors...you may not graduate at the same time as me, but who cares? i'm still proud of you. you wanted to do it for yourself and you did it. just don't give up...if it's really your limit and you can't carry on, then so be it...it doesn't make u any less important or less smart then anyone else.
regarding your situation, your already old enough to know yea? shit happens and you know you don't have a choice. i got a shock when you said that. that shouldn't even be an option...but then again who am i to lecture you about something that i've not even been through myself right? i just hope you get your mind set right, don't bua any more stunts. i can understand where ure comming from and i understand that it's stressful but that isn't the answer hor. i'm sure if you think hard enough, you'd understand that what their doing is for your own good...it may not had been the right choice, but they ment well. forgive only...i really hope that you reflect and take a good look at yourself and the situation your in instead of making hush and bold statments. gotta grow up yea?
and of cos you...i really can't help but worry my ass off for you. your my life...so i dun wan to see you screw it up. i know your probably sick and tired of listening to me nag you up the wall with all my 'i dun wan u to make the same mistakes as me' but i really can't help it. you really look just like me when i was in your situation. i barly made it and i really felt that it was luck. i dun wan you to be in that situation and be unlucky. thats why i nag so much. thats why i wan you to sleep. i'm really sorry...
sometimes, i really hate what life's all about. as i get older, i start to realise that it's inevitable that money is a factor. it causes so much problem for everyone. if you don't have enough of it, there's your problem right there. if you have too much of it, it finds a way to screw you up as well. everyone wants it...macham can't get enough of it. get alot, also become crazy...arbo do crazy things to get it. so damn fucked up. and i'm no different. it alters the way i think, i know i can't live without it. but can i still live if i have lots of it? everyone's problem is somehow related to it. so much that it's scary. seems to me that money is the most influential thing there is in this world. it's that cause of all the problems but at the same time, it saves lives.
i'm afraid...at such a young age, it's already starting to show the amount of problems it can cause. whats gonna happen when i step into that world? i don't want to be dovoured by it. but i can already see it happening. maybe it's because i'm still in the care of my parents, so i'm still not so affected by it. but whats gonna happen when their not around anymore? i don't want to become a money hungry robot...earning loads of money so i can buy all sorts of luxury stuff? for the status? will all of this really equal to happiness? i don't want to be blinded by this...resulting in not being able to see whats really important. what money can't buy. love, family and friendship...ain't these things priceless and what people really need in this world? what's the point of having all the money in the world but not having any of those three things? i'd rather be poor and have my love...or my family...or my friendship. anyone one of those 3 is enough to make me give up all the money in the world (of cos just enough money to survive).
maybe i'm just naive...and i don't understand.
Chatboard (0)